Unnaturally Good Looking...Damnit.

Just a quick post before I go to bed. I mean I could possibly go on and on about just seeing Twilight: Eclipse, but Jesus there just aren't that many hours in a day. Bottom line, loved the movie...a step up from New Moon and leaps and bounds over that piece of shit movie Twilight.

Ah, but I digress. No, what I wanted to talk about today is the fact that every single actor in that movie is too gorgeous for words. I am more specifically referencing to Taylor Lautner. The fact that an 18 year old can look that good, is just not right. I am not ok with it. I am reminded of a Family Guy episode where Peter goes on a rant about Lindsay Lohan. I would like to reiterate this rant with my own personal spin:

You know what really grinds my gears? This Taylor Lautner. Taylor Lautner with all those shirtless scenes, jumping around there on screen, half-naked with your abs. Ya know? You're a... You're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my popcorn. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to - why why are you leaping around there, showing me your muscles and fighting skills, over there in my face? What do you want, Taylor? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that nobody in Twilight wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.

Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson, Kellan Lutz, and now Xavier Samuel, are all out to destroy me with their good looks and just enough acting skill to keep me interested. Whoever hired these guys deserves a fucking raise...and me as their assistant so that I may (even for a second before I get thrown out for physical assault) look at these gorgeous creatures...and tell them to take their clothes off, err...for the role of course.

Well before this turns into some type of creepy fan fiction, I am off to bed. Taylor Lautner, you're legal now...and if I should ever see you in the street I am punching you in the jaw before I frantically try to make out with you. Just letting you know. Goodnight.

Sessions Lives!!!!

Yes it is true. The wait is over. Sessions is back. We can stop crying over our sabbatical, and let's just pick up where we left off, shall we?

Where did we leave off? Well...graduation for one, saying goodbye to the greatest city in the world, for two, and thirdly splitting Marya and myself apart. The summer months flew past faster than I could have imagined and made me realize what I had lost since graduating college. How far the afternoons of hanging out, watching movies, being generally awesome, and coming up with posts for this blog seem to be. Where the only worries were unfinished homework and when we were down to our last green nugget. Before, life was about finding things to keep you entertained. Now life is filled with monetary obligations and finding the moola to pay for those obligations. So we have replaced classes with jobs and have tossed irresponsibility out of the window to make way for a straight-edged, adult lifestyle. My dear readers, I must confess. I think it's a load of horse shit.

If it weren't for the disgusting amount of loan money I am forced to pay back, I don't think I would actually give two shits about being a functioning member of society. I quote Marya while watching "Surfer Dude" one afternoon, "I think I would be ok just living in a shack by the beach, and surfing all day." Exactly, my friend. I agree one-hundred percent. Ah, but life has to be difficult, and here we are.

For this reason I am restarting Sessions. It is a chance to get away from those god-awful adult things that seem to be sucking the vitality from me and remember that life is not meant to be taken too seriously. I can still live in that shack by the sea if only through a silly comment about what a twat Kristen Stewart still is, or when a great song comes out that makes me want to dance in a library or something (btw that song is Sexy Bitch by David Guetta ft. Akon...download it now.) Welcome back to Sessions. We promise it will be just as ridiculous as if we had never received those college degrees in the first place.

Oh ps-Marya, please start writing again. Sessions isn't Sessions without you...it's just me talking about how much I love GQ. Miss you.

Another Post about Another Douche

So apparently Marya and I were correct. Kristen Stewart is a total douche-packer-extraordinaire. In continuing with posts about women we think should be erased from the entertainment industry, besides the obvious Tina Fey (who really does have "that face") and Sarah Silverman, Kristen Stewart is next on the list.

Kristen Stewart, you are.....a twat. That's the only word I can think of when I hear her name. Perez Hilton recently posted this about the twat-waffle herself. He even came up with the same word for her.

So ok, I know that I am a little R-Patz and Twilight obsessed, and Bella Swan is probably the worst leading character ever written....but when thrown into something as big as this franchise is becoming, what did she expect to happen? Did she really expect to be asked questions of worth? Did she think the reporters were going to ask her what she thought of the problems in the middle east? The economic crisis? Of course they're going to ask her what it's like to kiss a vampire, and pretty soon they're going to ask her what it's like to kiss a werewolf...so get used to it! It's like she's "biting" the hand that feeds her (no pun intended)

Trust me Kristen Stewart, I don't like watching you be a bad actor in Twilight either, but don't go knocking it because people keep asking you dumb questions. Without these movies where would you be? Make any films of worth lately K-Stew? Yeah...Panic Room was reeeeeaaalllllly great...Win a lot of awards for that?

Honestly Kristen Stewart....knock it off. You're in this for the loooong haul. Has she even read the books? Does she even know what she has to do in the future? I'd crack those bad boys open and take a look before she decides to do the third and fourth...Maybe we can get someone who can...um...act, and be grateful for the opportunity to be in a movie that has literally become an obsession overnight.

Take a look at the Harry Potter bunch...do you see them telling everyone that they're put in psychotic situations? No! Even though they are...and I am sure they get asked a million stupid questions too. The only thing is they realize what Harry Potter is, and they are happy to be in a production about a book that has influenced so many children. Twilight is the romance novel of the time, just as Harry Potter is the epic of the time. So you're in this Kristen Stewart, whether you like it or not.

Also...We totally called it, her being as interesting as a corn flake. Why the hell is she famous? How did people even remember her to make call-backs or whatever? She's a bland actor, and a bland person? I mean...sure that fits Bella Swan to a tea...but COME ON!!! Bella at least had some sort of spark when it came to Edward. You're killing me K-Stew and this little snippet of how you actually are uniteresting, and how you hate the "psychotic situations" and inane questions is just like twisting the knife in further.

Here is my advice Kristen Stewart. Even though you are a mundane and mediocre person and actor...watch some comedy movies, read the effing books, and shut the hell up. Twilight is going to make you set for life. Be thankful for the opportunity, or stop wasting my, and the rest of the twilight fans' time. We don't think you're that great anyway, and if we have to watch you in three more movies...you better sure as shit be happy about it...twat.

We feel sorry for you, Colin Hanks

Today's topic...is it really that great to be a famous person's kid? Now, besides being set for life (unless you're Winona Ryder's kid or something) and having the privilege of saying, "hey my mom/dad won an academy award" is it really that great? I mean...don't you think it would get kind of annoying? Do you have to become famous because your parents were? Especially nowadays when celebs are pairing up like magnets and popping out babies at a rabbit's pace. All these babies are going to grow up together in their famous parent's shadow. So does that mean in 18 years all these "celebuspawns" are going to go into the movie business? I gotta tell ya, I dunno if I can handle that, based on what I have seen so far as famous people's kids entering the movies. Prime example....Colin Hanks.
Seriously? Your dad is Tom-fucking-Hanks and the only movies you can get are "Orange County" and the "House Bunny"...oh and you played the best friend in "Get Over it"...with Sisqo...COME ON! I bet it really bothers him that he's Tom Hank's son. I wonder if it's like a joke at the dinner table for them.
Tom: So, Colin...how was working on the House Bunny today?
Colin: Oh, fine...you know I think it's going to be a really important piece of film for this generation. What are you working on?
Tom:Oh just a little film called Angels and Demons... based on one of the most celebrated novels of the 20th Century. Nothing too special...
Now, I'm not saying I don't feel for Colin Hanks. It's gotta be hard trying to fill his dad's shoes. The guy is one of the best actors of his generation, of any generation...As I said before, he's Tom-fucking-Hanks. Maybe he could use it to his advantage, I mean I'm pretty sure he can get laid simply by saying "I'm Tom Hank's Son" (Just as I typed that I thought of a really good pick-up-line he could use..."Hey I'm Tom Hanks son, wanna see my Woody?" Wonder if he would ever use it?) I also believe that Tom Hanks lets his son be in some movies that he works on. That's generous, but come on Colin, your dad can probably get you better roles than "Drunk Frat Dude" from "Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny" The sad thing is Jack Black probably got him that role.
Another example, Rumer Willis. All I can say is WTF? Are you serious? Just because your mom and dad were THE couple of the 90s does not mean you have to make yourself known. No, go away...omg..I just realized she was in the House Bunny too. Was that movie the Mecca for all really good movie star's no so famous kids? Rumer, sweetie...no. Just, no.
But what do I know? I don't have famous parents. My mom is a nurse and my dad works in a can factory, but that doesn't mean I want to go into the nursing biz. So lesson here, if you're some famous person's kid I don't care how much you want to "take over the family business" Unless you're really good (I've only seen this work out for three people, Gwenyth Paltrow, Kate Hudson, and Miley Cyrus) Please don't try to get famous. We're only going to laugh at you. Live off of your parent's success. I mean why would you even want to work at all?
Oh, and Colin Hanks...I loved you in Careless, but NO ONE KNOWS THAT MOVIE EXISTS! You are Tom Hanks son, you should be able to get the word of your movies out...Use his name if you have to! Until next time...celebrity babies might rule the world in 18 years, and if the past has shown us anything, the future is going to have a lot of sucky movies.