Nothing Really Matters but Mooiii!

Just a bit of silliness to brighten your day:

Til Death Do Us Part?

I was watching a story on the "Today Show" about this wife in Florida who hired an undercover cop as a hitman to murder her husband. So I thought, well ok that's pretty terrible, poor guy...Then I watched the rest of the story. Um, yeah. Maybe she had the right idea. People that stupid don't really belong on Earth anyway, and no this is not a harsh statement...watch the story for yourself below:


Yeah...first of all I think the FIRST time my spouse tried to kill me I'd be like, well...maybe this isn't working out. Don't stay with the bitch, you moron. I love when Matt asks about her Escort past and the dude is all like oh, no...why would she try to kill me bc she was an escort? Bitch is a gangster dude, She's taking you out to get to the cash. I have to give the girl some credit for persistence. But seriously? three times and you're like oh yeah, we should prob get a divorce. Lay off the steroids man, and get a clue.

Let me know your thoughts readers...why do you think the guy stayed in his murderous marriage? Is he a crayon short of 8 pack? Did he usually take anti-freeze in his tea? Or was he really in love with his lady escort? Love makes us do stupid things...but come on!

TW and R-Patz Sitting in a Tree...S-N-O-R-T-I-N-G

So it seems that what I thought were nasty rumors are actually true facts. Kristen Stewart (who will only be named once...there it was, her name to me will always be Twat Waffle, TW, or T-dubs for short) and Robert Pattinson are dating. Now fellow blog readers, you may know that I do love me some R-Patz, and despise me some T-Dubs, but I can't say that I am angered, nor upset by the pair. Nay, in fact, I am not in the least surprised that they are together. Reasons being? Well, I have 3 very valid points as to why this relationship shouldn't be news to anyone:

1. They're basically the same person except one has penis...who that is exactly? Well that's up for debate. They both rock the coke/grunge look from raiding Kurt Cobain's closet and then refusing to do their hair. They both have the same fuck-being-famous personality about them (except TW is a bit more bitchy about it) and they're both publicly awkward to boot. Making sense so far?

2. I guess this is going off being the same person, but they're both in the same boat at this point in their life, and they tend to share their experiences with one another. What I mean by this is they are both the big deals right now. Millions of girls want to rip R-Patz's clothes off on a daily basis as more and more people are "sucked" (pardon the pun) into this vampire craze daily, and millions of girls want to either ask what it's like to actually be able to rip off R-patz's clothes, or if they can punch her in the mouth (oh, that's just me?) So why not bare the brunt of this fame together? You're stuck with each other half the time anyway with photo shoots, promotional parties, and interviews, book/cd/dvd signings, etc...might as well be friends with the person you're stuck with. I also will forever remain convinced that they started out as coke buddies who then became fuck buddies, and now they're fuck buddies who hold hands (which is "together" I guess...) So they're together because they've been put together since the beginning.

and the third and most important reason the Twat and Cedric Diggory are now two birds of a feather is

3. They're Bella and Edward Mother-Fucking Cullen. What do you think this is doing for their popularity? Uh yeah, sending it straight to the bank. Magazines are goingt o be dying for photos of the now out and about couple holding hands, and kissing, and being on vacation...maybe even a sex tape I don't know (Dear God, if there is a sex tape please let it just be of him so I can watch it without throwing up everywhere, thanks a bunch.) It creates even more buzz for the Twilight franchise which means more coke money for T-dubs and R-Patz! All they need to do is get married, pop out a baby and dress it up as a vampire for halloween and they will be set for life. Seriously, TW and Rob being together is the best career move they have ever made.

So there you have it. A couple made in movie franchise heaven. I'm not upset that they're together, just more upset in R-Patz's taste in women, but then I have to remember my three points, and it just makes sense. So congrats Twat Waffle. You have bagged yourself a gorgeous Londoner who is almost as big as a broody fuck head as you are. I'm sure you two will be very happy. So I hope that means you'll be smiling more often instead of that snaggle-toothed snarl you put on your face most of the time. This blogger can only hope so much...

To all the sessions readers, I hope you find a match as perfect as Twatty McGhee and her man. Until next time, peace love & coke buddies.

Sessions Lives!!!!

Yes it is true. The wait is over. Sessions is back. We can stop crying over our sabbatical, and let's just pick up where we left off, shall we?

Where did we leave off? Well...graduation for one, saying goodbye to the greatest city in the world, for two, and thirdly splitting Marya and myself apart. The summer months flew past faster than I could have imagined and made me realize what I had lost since graduating college. How far the afternoons of hanging out, watching movies, being generally awesome, and coming up with posts for this blog seem to be. Where the only worries were unfinished homework and when we were down to our last green nugget. Before, life was about finding things to keep you entertained. Now life is filled with monetary obligations and finding the moola to pay for those obligations. So we have replaced classes with jobs and have tossed irresponsibility out of the window to make way for a straight-edged, adult lifestyle. My dear readers, I must confess. I think it's a load of horse shit.

If it weren't for the disgusting amount of loan money I am forced to pay back, I don't think I would actually give two shits about being a functioning member of society. I quote Marya while watching "Surfer Dude" one afternoon, "I think I would be ok just living in a shack by the beach, and surfing all day." Exactly, my friend. I agree one-hundred percent. Ah, but life has to be difficult, and here we are.

For this reason I am restarting Sessions. It is a chance to get away from those god-awful adult things that seem to be sucking the vitality from me and remember that life is not meant to be taken too seriously. I can still live in that shack by the sea if only through a silly comment about what a twat Kristen Stewart still is, or when a great song comes out that makes me want to dance in a library or something (btw that song is Sexy Bitch by David Guetta ft. Akon...download it now.) Welcome back to Sessions. We promise it will be just as ridiculous as if we had never received those college degrees in the first place.

Oh ps-Marya, please start writing again. Sessions isn't Sessions without you...it's just me talking about how much I love GQ. Miss you.

Arrest me Chris Hanson!!

Ugh this is disgusting in the best way…

I love GQ but when looking upon something as hto and underaged as Taylor Lautner, I can’t help but feel a pang of guilt. This boy needs to turn 18 already before Chris Hanson busts my ass for being very inappropriate with the November Issue of GQ. I’m going to buy it tomorrow…and I’m going to love it forever.

She couldn't delete her youtube account, too?!

Miley Cyrus deleted her twitter account. Oh no! How are we ever going to keep tabs on Miley Cyrus?!? I just want to know what she’s doooing all the tiiime!!

Mother fucker still has her youtube account and still makes stupid videos like this one…

Jesus Christ Miley…if you didn’t care what the tabloids thought, why did you make this craptastic pseudo-rap about it?

Also can someone tell me who these fucking friends of hers are who only seem to appear in her youtube videos? Did they win some contest? If that’s the case I would like to enter. My video would be called Miley gets punched in the boob. TRUTH!

Well, someone's gotta be on Kanye's side...

Before I begin this post I feel that I need to note that I thought that what Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the VMA’s was really in bad taste. It was sophomoric, rude, and just made him look like a complete ass. Kanye, it is not easy to be your fan when you do things like this, but I am sticking by you on this fact alone: I am in no way surprised that Kanye did what he did, and my question tonight is, why is everyone else so surprised?

These are the facts as far as I’m concerned. Kanye West has a a God complex. Anyone who disagrees go to youtube right now and look up his concert videos, look up his TV interviews, then go to his website and read his blog. (I’ll wait). Exactly. The man’s ego could fill a football stadium. He’s constantly receiving validation for his ego in his profession as a rap artist, I mean we all have heard his music at some point. I buy it on itunes, and sing along with it in the car. The profession itself is an ego boost. Rapping about whatever the heart desires, having it broadcast across multiple public platforms, and people will listen to it. Of course Kanye is going to have a big ego. Not to mention his general motto of, “I am the voice of the generation.” So why is everyone surprised that someone who thinks everyone wants to hear what he has to say would say what was on his mind without regard to the consequences? It’s not like this was the first time he decided to be a douche in public. Anyone recall a certain crop-circle coiffed rapper announcing to millions of TV viewers during a Hurricane Katrina telethon, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” I think Mike Myers face said it all. “WTF Kanye, really?” Or let’s jump across the pond to the 2006 MTV Europe Music Awards where Kanye did what? Jumped on the stage during someone else’s acceptance speech because he wasn’t satisfied with the results?? How completely off guard we were to Mr. West’s douche-bagginess!

Seriously, people. Kanye West is known for being an asshole. It’s part of his erm…charm, (for lack of a better word). Not to mention did anyone even bother to take a look at that massive bottle of Henessey he was CHUGGING before the show? He must have been drunk off of his ass! No, in fact it is almost certain he was drunk off his ass. Deplorable as his actions may be, we all do really stupid things when we’re drunk. It’s just a shame Kanye chooses to do these stupid things on a public stage…even more stupid that he did it to America’s newest sweetheart.

Oh and props to Taylor Swift for being classy. It really is a shame for what happened but she must really be loving all of this new publicity. Oh poor Taylor Swift, she’s only 17. Taylor Swift didn’t get to make her speech. We all love you Taylor Swift, Kanye is a dumbass blah blah blah (Sorry, I’m not a Taylor Swift fan…her weird non-existent eyebrows bother me.) She still won the award, right? Beyonce also let her finish her speech after she won video of the year anyway. Taylor Swift is a celebrity, and if it wasn’t Kanye West being a douche it was going to be some blogger/vlogger critic asshole (myself included) who would’ve said it anyway. Nowhere near as publicly humilitating, but everyone’s a critic.

Speaking of, here is my whole take on Kanye’s recent criticism. Yes. I agree, people should be pissed at him for acting unprofessionally (once again) on a nationally broadcast event. He should especially be sorry that he acted this way towards someone who is sort of new to the business, and for stealing what was supposed to be a very special moment from her. Do I think that the racist comments are necessary? Absolutely not. Pulling the race card just makes the whole situation seem so much darker than it really was. I don’t claim to know the inner-workings of Kanye West in the slightest, but I highly doubt he went up there to complain that a white girl won over a black woman. Aretha Franklin could have won that award and Kanye would still be stumbling up on stage slurring, “Scuse me Aretha I’ll let you finish in a second…” Was it necessary for Jay Leno to bring up his mother during his interview? Um…what? Way to pull the rug right out from someone. Great move on Jay’s part. That show premiered with higher ratings than Conan’s first Tonight Show. Is it necessary that some parts of Florida are now banning all of Kanye’s music from their radio stations? Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna and I would still hear that Forever song at least twice in the same car ride. Was it necessary for Comedy Central to show the “Fish Sticks” episode not once, but 4 times claiming it was “Fish Stick Night”? That is fucking ridiculous. Besides a very long apology on Kanye’s part…done correctly (I’m thinking really fancy stationary should be involved), and possibly some time in Rehab. people need to let this go.

It was the MTV VMA’s, A show that hasn’t been good since 2003 when Madonna and Britney Spears went all lesbo-kiss on each other. It was over a stupid moon-man award. As I already stated, it is terrible what Kanye West did to Miss Swift, it was a major recognition for her, and Kanye pretty much punched the sunlight out of her moment. But if it was JUST a VMA, as many people are giving Kanye shit about….doesn’t it work the other way around? IT WAS JUST A VMA!! If I was an award winning music artist I doubt that I would be like, “Hey…check out the moon man…biggest. accomplishment. ever!” So bottom line? Kanye is a dick bag. Duh. It doesn’t mean we should ignore what he did. He should apologize, and he deserved to be reprimanded…for like a day. Yet calling him a racist, and banning his music, and saying that you want to kick his ass (I’m talking about you Pink, you of ALL people should be the last to talk…please fire the asshole who thought trapeze would be a good act, and if it was your idea, just…God help you.) Violence begets violence. Enough is enough.

Kanye West, you make me embarrassed sometimes to call myself your fan. I think you need a lot of help, but I will never be one to sling mud at you. Besides the occasional critical eye which I have for all celebrities. I like your work, and I will continue to support your music. I just feel bad that you seem to have such a knack for getting yourself into these situations. As for the rest of the Kanye haters…Yeah, been there, done that. Shut up please.