Somebody call Joaquin Phoenix's drug dealer and tell him enough is enough. The guy "quits" acting because he wants to focus on his music. Ok I know he dazzled everyone with his Johnny Cash impression, Oscar nods and all...sooo you'd think if he was actually doing this music thing it would be with a guitar and a black suit, but rapping? Really? I was watching Extra the other day and heard that Joaquin had started to rap, and had fell off the stage at one of his shows...if that's what you want to call it. So I watched this little youtube video and I am absolutely horrified to say the least. There are so many things wrong with this situation. First thing, why on earth does Joaquin look like bigfoot with a hat on? The guy's got like this lumberjack beard and he's wearing these sunglasses that make him look like the shoe bomber more than anything else. Second the entire rap just sounds like Joaquin growling into the mic thrown in with the occasional fake gangster hand movements. Not to mention he's just pacing the stage like this crack addict on a bad day. To make matter worse, after the whole ordeal as I am going to refer to it now, he starts to jump around the stage and as he walks off he fucking eats it. Just missed that first step...Oh God it was terrible.
Who told him this was a good idea? I really think (actually I really hope) that's he just fucking with us. I think it's some big joke he and Casey Affleck are playing on everyone. According to Extra and Perez Hilton, Casey Affleck was at the place he was at with a camera crew filming him for this documentary he's making about Joaquin's switch to music. Like Joaquin Phoenix acting like P. Diddy is that interesting? Oh and P. Diddy? He's supposedly going to help Joaquin Phoenix make an album!! What the hell is wrong with everyone? If I wanted my ears to bleed I would find a less painful way than listening to Joaquin Phoenix try to rap.
Does anyone else think this is extremely wrong? It's not just the rapping that is bothering me. Joaquin Phoenix looks like he's had one too many bad nights in a row. Please don't forget that his family does not have the best track record when it comes to drugs and alcohol. The guy looks terrible and no one is saying anything. I also find it interesting that Joaquin now bears a slight resemblance to Heath Ledger based on the look he is going for nowadays...Does anyone recall what happened to Heath when he started to look like a hobo?
So it has to be a joke. Casey Affleck is Joaquin's brother in law or something, and I'm sorry I just don't think from the handful of celebs that left acting to dip their toes into the music industry, Joaquin Phoenix's story isn't that interesting to have a camera crew following him around. Plus, I heard the guy was a total douche the night that this youtube video was filmed. Perez Hilton said that apparently Joaquin was throwing a hissy fit because the crew was late and started to throw things around and told them they fucked everything up. Then he went out and did a sound check, and rapped anyway. Joaquin and Casey are fucking with us, and P. Diddy is in on it. This has to be some major Borat style production and we won't know it was a joke until it hits theaters. I mean, props for being authentic, but if this isn't a joke, and Joaquin starts winning Grammys for performance as a Hip-hop R&B artist, well then...a little piece of my music loving soul is going to die.
So let me end by saying, Joaquin, sweetie, you look like a hobo. You cannot rap, and you need to come back to movies. So shave that god awful beard, stop wearing flannel, and call your agent. The silver screen misses you, man.
In case you haven't seen the horror...I have included links to the two youtube videos from that night.
"Grunting" By: Joaquin "I still think I'm Johnny Cash" Phoenix
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LieYeCudbQ8
"Hobo Tripping" By: Joaquin "I'm a huge Tool with this hat on" Phoenix
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7F_Ikksg40U
Images Courtesy of Nj.com, and people.com
Video courtesy of youtube
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